It’s been quite a while since I last wrote anything on this blog. I’ve had tons of things I have wanted to say, but not a lot of time to focus on writing. I started lent out on a truly sacrificial note by coming down with the flu on Ash Wednesday and it was hell from that moment on. As best as my memory can serve me, I have never been so sick as I was during this bout with the flu. Outside of a few memorable heart surgeries that were particularly hard to re-cooperate from, this illness knocked me off my feet. I’m on day 13 and am still having a hard time making it to work, although that being said, I missed almost 2 weeks of work. About a week into it, I landed in the ER with what the doctor thought was pneumonia, thankfully I didn’t have that, but the ER doc said I have restrictive airway disease which makes breathing difficult during colds or temperature changes (great). I had to embrace my cross and I offered it up for a special intention. I was just talking with Mom tonight who told me that if we truly understood the value of suffering that we would look forward to as a dear old friend. Well.. I know in my humanity that while my spiritual side may yearn to suffer for efficacious graces.. my human side would not. Alas.. I think that is why I feel stuck in a rut. I don’t know if it’s because I haven’t been well lately, but I feel like there is a great darkness looming over me at the present moment. The darkness is preying on my fears. My fear of being alone for the rest of my life, the fear of not finding what God wants me to do with my life, the fear of losing my job… fears… endless fears. It weighs on me like a great mill stone about my neck.
At the same time that I experience these fears.. I can hear Jesus speaking to me through the scriptures and sometimes the verse Matthew 11:28 “Come to me all who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest”. I think of St. John the Beloved who laid his head upon the chest of Christ and I ask God if I can do such a thing to him spiritually. I’ll grab a rosary and say some hail mary’s meditating on our Lord and that seems to bring some comfort. But I can’t shake the feeling that there is something missing from my life.. there is something that I am lacking and I don’t know what it is. And the devil.. that sly fox.. he knows all my fears and he plays me like a well tuned guitar and I play right into his hands every single time. I just don’t know what to do with my life and I don’t know where I am going, which is unsettling. I feel like my life is an empty jar right now… something is missing.
I’ll try to write more … spiritual things soon. =0