I’ve been really struggling lately trying to listen for the voice of Christ in my life pointing me in the direction to HIS will. Back in 2010 when I entered the religious life, my journey was accompanied by amazing signs, confirmations, and clarity. But now while I am once again discerning a vocation… it’s as if I have fallen into pea-soup.. I can’t find my way and I feel cut off from the great graces and spiritual gifts that I had received from God during that earlier time in my life. A month ago I met with a Vocations Director for a diocese that I am discerning a vocation with. During the meeting Fr. asked me why I had decided now to contact him for vocational discernment. I sputtered out that I felt it was the right time to pursue my vocation. When I say sputtered.. that is quite frankly how my interview went. I didn’t articulate myself very well, it was my nerves and the intensity of the meeting that threw me off. *sigh* Why did I choose now to pursue what I feel is a call from God to serve him? A number of things come to mind. A year ago I was feeling equally apprehensive about my vocation and what to do about the call that I felt in my heart.
One night around Christmas I felt an intense call to drive into Church and discuss these feelings with God. I looked at my clock and the time was 8pm. I knew that Church was either already closed or it was going to close very soon. I ran out to my car, jumped in, and took off. I arrived at Church 20 minutes later to see the lights off. I went up to the front door and it was unlocked. I looked around the Church and it was dark, the only light in the Church was the flickering candle by the Sacristy. I went up to the front pew and knelt down. All of the sudden all of the stress, fear, apprehension, and sorrow escaped me and I began to mentally yell out to God a single question “What do you want me to do with my life, what is your will for me?” I yelled that over and over at God (mind you internally)… the feeling intensified.. I was spiritually pounding on the gates of heaven with my plea for help and that is when I got an answer that I didn’t expect. I had just finished yelling “What do you want me to do with my life” when I heard a BOOMING voice loudly exclaim directly across from me “You need to study for the Arlington Diocese as a Priest”. I nearly jumped put of my skin/pew and I swung around to see where the voice was coming from and I saw Fr. Gould standing about 3 feet from me. He looked at me and then looked directly at the tabernacle. He silently turned and continued his way to the side doors to lock them. I remember looking at the tabernacle and saying “That was quick, thank you Lord” before getting up and running over to the Rectory. I asked Fr. why he had said what he said and he told me that it was a prompting of the Holy Spirit. I asked if he had heard what I was saying and of course he had not, which then prompted him to ask me what I was begging God for. When I told Father, he looked at me and said rather emphatically “There’s your answer”.
Over the past year I have been hearing from Catholic and Protestant alike as well as non Christians that I should enter a seminary and study to be a Priest, it has come from the least likely people and for me that is a confirmation that I should at least go out seeking the will of God. I feel such a lack of trust in what God has planned for my life. I know that is terrible to say. I don’t say it on purpose.. but I feel so disconnected from God.. lost in a desert and I feel that he is trying to teach me to trust in him solely and that is a really hard thing for me to do right now. I just want a definitive answer. Yea or Nea and if Nea.. then where am I to go? Am I just fooling myself that I could possibly be called by God? How can I be? I am such a sinner and I have so many faults.
I cannot deny the call that I feel in my heart. I know that God is calling me to serve him. I feel at home with the people of God in the parish setting and I just want to give my life over to God in a totality. To be a spiritual father to many.. to lead people to heaven… to do God’s will…
I need lots of prayer.. please pray that I will get some clarity.. I really need it. Pray that God bonks me on the head and reveals his will for me.http://monk2be.com