Monday, February 10, 2014

Speak Lord…. For I am Listening

Oppose-Speak-LordI’ve been really struggling lately trying to listen for the voice of Christ in my life pointing me in the direction to HIS will.  Back in 2010 when I entered the religious life, my journey was accompanied by amazing signs, confirmations, and clarity.  But now while I am once again discerning a vocation…  it’s as if I have fallen into pea-soup.. I can’t find my way and I feel cut off from the great graces and spiritual gifts that I had received from God during that earlier time in my life.  A month ago I met with a Vocations Director for a diocese that I am discerning a vocation with.  During the meeting Fr. asked me why I had decided now to contact him for vocational discernment.  I sputtered out that I felt it was the right time to pursue my vocation.  When I say sputtered.. that is quite frankly how my interview went.  I didn’t articulate myself very well, it was my nerves and the intensity of the meeting that threw me off.  *sigh*  Why did I choose now to pursue what I feel is a call from God to serve him?  A number of things come to mind.  A year ago I was feeling equally apprehensive about my vocation and what to do about the call that I felt in my heart.

One night around Christmas I felt an intense call to drive into Church and discuss these feelings with God.  I looked at my clock and the time was 8pm.  I knew that Church was either already closed or it was going to close very soon.  I ran out to my car, jumped in, and took off.  I arrived at Church 20 minutes later to see the lights off.  I went up to the front door and it was unlocked.  I looked around the Church and it was dark, the only light in the Church was the flickering candle by the Sacristy.  I went up to the front pew and knelt down.  All of the sudden all of the stress, fear, apprehension, and sorrow escaped me and I began to mentally yell out to God a single question “What do you want me to do with my life, what is your will for me?”  I yelled that over and over at God (mind you internally)… the feeling intensified.. I was spiritually pounding on the gates of heaven with my plea for help and that is when I got an answer that I didn’t expect.  I had just finished yelling “What do you want me to do with my life” when I heard a BOOMING voice loudly exclaim directly across from me “You need to study for the Arlington Diocese as a Priest”.  I nearly jumped put of my skin/pew and I swung around to see where the voice was coming from and I saw Fr. Gould standing about 3 feet from me.  He looked at me and then looked directly at the tabernacle.  He silently turned and continued his way to the side doors to lock them.  I remember looking at the tabernacle and saying “That was quick, thank you Lord” before getting up and running over to the Rectory.  I asked Fr. why he had said what he said and he told me that it was a prompting of the Holy Spirit.  I asked if he had heard what I was saying and of course he had not, which then prompted him to ask me what I was begging God for.  When I told Father, he looked at me and said rather emphatically “There’s your answer”.

Over the past year I have been hearing from Catholic and Protestant alike as well as non Christians that I should enter a seminary and study to be a Priest, it has come from the least likely people and for me that is a confirmation that I should at least go out seeking the will of God.  I feel such a lack of trust in what God has planned for my life.  I know that is terrible to say.  I don’t say it on purpose.. but I feel so disconnected from God.. lost in a desert and I feel that he is trying to teach me to trust in him solely and that is a really hard thing for me to do right now.  I just want a definitive answer.  Yea or Nea and if Nea.. then where am I to go?  Am I just fooling myself that I could possibly be called by God?  How can I be?  I am such a sinner and I have so many faults.

I cannot deny the call that I feel in my heart.  I know that God is calling me to serve him.  I feel at home with the people of God in the parish setting and I just want to give my life over to God in a totality.  To be a spiritual father to many.. to lead people to heaven…  to do God’s will…

I need lots of prayer.. please pray that I will get some clarity.. I really need it.  Pray that God bonks me on the head and reveals his will for me.

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